CSMOnitor.com
First the Marriage, Then the Courtship
Whisper the words "arranged marriage," and images of women signed over as chattel are likely to rise in the minds of many Westerners. But, say culture watchers and sociologists, there's a rising interest in this age-old practice in the West, as shown by at least two books and three upcoming television series on the topic - as well as a growing number of matchmaking sites devoted solely to arranging unions.
More important, couples with no cultural or family tradition of arranged marriages are entering into matrimony with proper strangers in what is being called a "turbo-charged back to the future."
While the number of nuptials consummated in this way is still small, there's evidence that some of the principles of these traditional pacts are drawing attention and respect from both scholars and singles who are anxious to move into a married state.
"In this Internet age, we have so many options we want people to narrow them down for us," says futurist Marian Saltzman, chief marketing officer at Porter Novelli in New York, who calls arranged marriages one of the "developing trends of the moment."
Internet dating has exhausted many people, she adds, suggesting that if online courtship is the yin of modern relationships, then arranged marriages are the yang. "People are saying to themselves, 'I'm tired of a whole bunch of cheap Hershey bars. I want gourmet chocolate and a connoisseur to tell me which of the top two brands I should choose.' "
But, she points out, arranged marriages in countries such as the United States are "not the old routine of dads selling daughters for a dowry; these kids have veto power."
David Weinlick and his wife, Elizabeth, began their union through what their "marriage arranger," good friend Steve Fletcher, calls "a piece of whimsy."
Mr. Fletcher, a political consultant, got together with a group of friends and announced that Mr. Weinlick would be married on a certain date, but needed a bride. "After we put this out as a press release, we thought nobody would take this seriously," he says. Instead, the group received hundreds of responses and more than two dozen women showed up on the appointed date to be "vetted" as potential brides.
Ten years and three children later, Weinlick says, "We love each other more every day." He and his wife, who is a nurse, agree that one of the keys to the union's success has been their shared values. "We were both committed to commitment," he adds.
Nick Gilhool, casting director for the impending Lifetime cable show "Arranged Marriage," in which four couples will take the plunge and allow cameras to film their first year together, says applicants share a frustration with dating and a desire to "be proactive" about their love lives. "Marriage is being repositioned and reexamined," he says.
The tradition of arranged marriages and the lessons it has for 21st-century couples interests author Reva Seth, an attorney of Indian heritage whose parents came together in an arranged marriage. "Everyone I know is questioning the role of marriage today," says the New Jersey-raised writer who now lives in Toronto with her husband and 4-year-old son.
She began to interview women from arranged marriages with an eye to discovering lessons for Westerners. The biggest surprise, says the author of "First Comes Marriage," is that "most of these women are happy, the main reason being that they have realistic expectations about their partners and always viewed them as a life partner, not a lifesaver."
One of the cornerstones of traditional arranged marriages is the participation of family members. In the case of Huriya Manzar, a 30-something computer programmer from Staten Island, N.Y., her parents and brothers arranged her marriage when she was 18. "For us, marriage is not so much about two people being in love," says Ms. Manzar. "It is about a relationship to a larger community, our family, our friends, and our neighbors."
She says her marriage to a man with whom she had spoken only briefly before they wed has been about "two human beings compromising and realizing that the other is only human, not some perfect being." Now pregnant with their second child, she adds that she loves her husband, although she does not feel she was ever "in love" with him.
This notion of romantic love and fulfillment through a soul mate is the cornerstone of much dissatisfaction, says psychologist Stan Tatkin. He's not surprised at singles investigating arranged marriage because it fits into one of the basic definitions of happiness. "People generally find they are more able to find happiness from the things to which they commit themselves," he says.
Lisa Clampitt, cofounder of the Matchmaking Institute, and her husband of five years barely knew one another when they wed. "He proposed within 20 minutes of meeting me, I said yes, and a week later we sent out 'evites' to our friends," says the former social worker with a laugh, recalling that many of her buddies didn't respond because they considered it a joke. "But, within two months we'd gone to Las Vegas and married and begun our life together. We just found things out after committing to each other, rather than before."
Still, not all stories have such a happy ending. Sophia McDonald, a university-educated Russian immigrant says that her mother began looking for a husband for her by contacting an international matchmaker. Ms. McDonald exchanged letters and visits with a suitor from Seattle, whom she married. Once in the US, though, she discovered that he had no income and was not who he represented himself to be. So she divorced him and became a matchmaker. "I know the dangers these women face and don't want the same thing to happen to them," she says.
Arranged marriage, as it's practiced traditionally, will never take deep root in the West, says Robert Epstein, visiting scholar at the University of California, San Diego. "We don't have the ... most important ingredients" - a strong community support system, either religious or social, and shared values or beliefs.
But, says the author of the upcoming book, "Making Love," a study of the potential lessons from traditional matrimonial customs, Westerners can absorb the deeper principles, such as that love doesn't have to rely on the click of Cupid's wand; it can be "made."
He points to a story about an arranged marriage in a novel by Salman Rushdie. Day by day, the wife contemplates a small aspect of her husband and resolves to love that single quality. Bit by bit, she comes to love the whole man.
Just as mainstream culture has absorbed the notion that we can work to improve our physiques and our careers, says Dr. Epstein, we'll come to accept that we can "work" on marriage and love.
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People Magazine
World's Tallest Man Weds Woman Who Reaches His Elbow
The world's tallest man, who measures 7' 9", got married on Thursday to a woman who comes up to his elbow.
Bao Xishun, 56, and Xia Shujian, 28, wed in Beijing in a traditional Mongolian ceremony at the tomb of Kublai Khan, the Associated Press reports.
Before they met last year, the groom, who is a herdsman from Inner Mongolia, had been sending out advertisements around the world looking for a bride – but he didn't have to look far. His bride, it turns out, is a saleswoman from his hometown of Chifeng.
For the wedding ceremony Bao wore a specially-designed blue coat topped with a gold vest, and rode to his bride's camp in a cart pulled by two camels. This marriage Thursday was purely ceremonial: The couple already wed at a civil ceremony in March.
Thursday's nuptials were attended by 2,000 people, including relatives, locals and a large crowd of journalists, AP reports.
Last year the Guinness Book of World Records deemed Bao the world's tallest person. Xinhua has said his growth was normal until age 16, when he began growing rapidly and shot up to his current height within seven years.
Bao made headlines in December when he used his long arms to pull dangerous scraps of plastic out of the stomachs of two dolphins, saving their lives. The dolphins had gotten sick after munching on the plastic on the edge of their pool at an aquarium in northeast China, and veterinarians were unable to remove the scraps with surgical instruments.
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CNN, Lifewire, Published: June 9,2008. Posted: June 9, 2008
"Too broke to be your maid of honor" by Liane Yvkoff
The TV no longer sits on a moving box, but she's still using filing cabinets as end tables. Desiree Jacobsen graduated from college years ago, so why does her apartment resemble a dorm room? It's hard to save for the finer things when you've had to shell out money to be in five weddings in one year, three times as maid of honor.
"I shop at the Salvation Army quite a bit to save money," says Jacobsen, 26, a medical editor in Dallas.
Being a bride's maid or matron of honor is a distinction many women cherish. But it also comes with a cost.
On top of the traditional expenses of wedding attire, transportation and chipping in for a gift from the bridesmaids, maids of honor can wind up hosting bridal showers, bachelorette parties and even the co-ed Jack and Jill party -- often footing the bill entirely.
Expectations are reaching bridezilla proportions, a trend Anna Post, spokeswoman for the Emily Post Institute and great-great-granddaughter of the etiquette authority, attributes in part to the extensive coverage of celebrity weddings on television and in style magazines.
Many bridesmaids are left torn between maintaining a friendship and breaking the bank.
When Sarah de Maintenon, a 33-year-old real estate agent in Syracuse, New York, agreed to be her best friend's maid of honor two years ago, the economy was good and houses were selling like hot cakes.
But the currently slow real-estate market means that money has become tight as the big day -- scheduled for October -- slowly approaches.
"I seriously just didn't know. I thought it was just a bachelorette party," says de Maintenon of the events she was expected to throw and attend. Her distress over the destination wedding sent her seeking advice online. The advice she received was simple, but effective: Talk to her friend and be honest about her situation.
"I contemplated telling her I couldn't do it, but I couldn't break her heart," she says. "I was afraid it would cause an argument ... I didn't want to ruin her wedding day."
Jacobsen hasn't skipped a wedding, but she did once skip the pre-wedding bridal portrait, which she would have had to travel out of town to participate in, because she was short on money and vacation time.
"She was upset with me for a little while, but it quickly blew over because I started planning for her bachelorette party." When feelings get hurt, Jacobsen says, she tries not to take it personally. "It's usually because of the stress of the wedding."
Etiquette rules vs. reality
Is all this necessary? Are brides asking too much of their friends?
Post says that contrary to popular belief, the bridal shower isn't the maid of honor's obligation. Traditionally, a close friend would throw a bridal shower for the bride, and sometimes that
person is also the maid of honor. But expenses can be agreed upon in advance and shared by the entire wedding party. And though there may be multiple parties thrown for the happy couple, Post says, the maid of honor is not required to go.
"That's not true," claims Kim Bohnert, a 32-year-old teacher in San Francisco. She's served nine stints as maid of honor and considers herself an expert bridesmaid.
She insists that the entire bridal party -- especially the maid of honor -- is expected to attend all parties and shell out for a gift each time.
Going for broke
Whether popular wisdom requires such a commitment or not, there's a very real limit to what women can afford.
Bohnert agreed to be her cousin's maid of honor, even though she was maxed out on her credit cards, and the many expenses included a $500 Sae Young Vu dress. "I'm still in debt because of it," she says.
Ma'ayan Geller, a part-time student and assistant physical therapist in San Francisco, was glad to hear her friend wanted to be sensitive to the financial constraints of her wedding party. But when Geller, one of the bridesmaids, suggested a cheap Las Vegas package for the bachelorette party, the bride gave her the boot, saying she wasn't being serious enough about her commitment to the wedding.
"I had already bought the dress -- close to $300 -- which was a lot for me at the time," Geller, 23, remembers. "I think it could have been done in a better way."
Geller still attended the wedding, partially because all her friends were there and also because she wanted to support the bride, "although the friendship kind of ended after that."
Making it work
In Post's experience, a wedding is a collaboration, and the wedding party often tries to find a solution that works for everyone. "When something difficult arises, I've seen brides put on the brakes rather than force something on someone," she says.
Jeri Kadison, a bridal coach in New York, says communication is key: Detail expectations early, and if something sounds too expensive, compromise and brainstorm other ideas, she advises.
"It's the bride's responsibility to be compassionate and considerate," she says.
That strategy worked for de Maintenon. She and her bride talk almost every day. Instead of renting a restaurant, they're having a barbeque. Instead of renting a beach house, they're all staying with a girlfriend.
It's also OK to say no, Post says. "You can decline. Just do it early."
De Maintenon recently declined when one of her best friends asked her to be the maid of honor, and her friend wasn't upset.
"She knows that I'll do anything else to help out in any way."
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New York Times, Published: February 21, 2008. Posted: May 20, 2008
"The Bride Wore Very Little" by Ruth Ferla
THE gown was almost wanton — fluid but curvy with a neckline that plummeted dangerously. "It makes me feel sexy and beautiful," said Natasha DaSilva, who slipped it on for a fitting last week.
ALL DRESSED IN LACE? Not exactly, but vampish bridal gowns make flirty use of it. Three oo-la-la looks by Pnina Tornai for Kleinfeld. Cut away at the rear to reveal a tattoo at the small of her back, the dress suggested a languorous night in the honeymoon suite. Except that Ms. DaSilva, who will be married on Long Island in September, plans to wear it at the altar. "Why not?" she asked. "I want to look back in 20 years and feel like I looked hot on my wedding day."
Ms. DaSilva, 26, thinks of herself as adventurous, but not so brash that she is about to cross a line. Dressing for a wedding as if it were an after-party is accepted among her family and friends. "For my generation, looking like a virgin when you marry is completely unappealing, boring even," she said. "Who cares about that part anymore?"
Ms. DaSilva is typical of a growing number of brides flouting convention by flaunting their curves. More vamp than virgin, many are selecting gowns that bare a generous expanse of cleavage, midsection, lower back or thigh, temptress styles that may be better suited to a gala or boudoir than to a church or ballroom.
"Brides today absolutely want to look sexy and glamorous," said Mara Urshel, an owner and the president of Kleinfeld, the venerable Manhattan bridal salon. In recent months, the store has seen a spike in demand for plunging necklines and negligee looks, one that has only intensified since the spring bridal collections began arriving in stores. For brides shopping now for gowns to wear at summer or early fall weddings, "there is a lot of freedom of choice, and these girls exercise every bit of it," Ms. Urshel said.
Determined to look torrid on their wedding day, they are picking dresses modeled, say, on the one worn by Christina Aguilera, who was married in 2005 in a gown with a plummeting neckline and ruffled fishtail hem. Or maybe the hope is to emulate Sarah Jessica Parker, who, in the forthcoming film version of "Sex and the City," spills out of the front of her wedding dress.
"Young women increasingly look to the red carpet for style ideas," said Millie Martini Bratten, the editor in chief of Brides magazine. "They are very aware of how they look," she added. "They diet, they work out. And when they marry, they want to be the celebrity of their own event." To accommodate them, the once rigidly corseted bridal industry has loosened its stays. At the spring bridal shows in New York last October, tastemakers like Vera Wang, Oscar de la Renta, Reem Acra, Angel Sanchez and Carolina Herrera unveiled a preponderance of strapless styles, trumpet shapes and even a few above-the-knee looks. More-daring designers offered filmy peignoir dresses, two-piece looks and skirts slit all the way to the hip.
Some of these va-voom confections seem tailor-made for the bride who envisions the march down the aisle as a long-dreamed-of photo op, and the reception as an after-party on the scale of Oscars night. "Women now are looking at their weddings more like a movie premiere," said Jose Dias, a designer for Sarah Danielle, a New York bridal house.
These steamy fantasies extend to their choice of location. "It used to be that unless you married at home, you were married in a church," Ms. Bratten said. But today fewer weddings take place in a house of worship, and fewer still in the bride's hometown. According to a 2006 survey by Condé Nast Bridal Media, 16 percent of couples choose a destination wedding — a fourfold increase from a decade ago. The same survey found that only 46 percent of brides are married in a church or synagogue, down from 55 percent the year before. With weddings transported to other locales comes a loosening of conventions. Whether they marry in a walled garden, on a tennis court, on a yacht or at the beach, "brides are more focused on the after-party, and on personalizing it," Ms. Bratten said.
Beginning with the gown. Today the prevailing fantasy is no longer, " ‘I want to be a princess in my ball gown,' " Mr. Dias said. "A lot of women have done that already for their prom."
Mr. Dias, who is based in Los Angeles, accommodates clients' desires for dresses that echo runway trends with halter-tops and off-the-shoulder gowns that are more emphatically provocative than the strapless looks that have become commonplace. His dresses are cut to appeal to the bride who is "confident in her sexuality," he said.
Similar considerations prompted the designer Monique Lhuillier, a favorite in Hollywood, to fashion a dress with an Empire bodice, wide lace straps and a wispy chiffon skirt — features more often found in a nightgown. A hit of Ms. Lhuillier's spring bridal collection, the dress is available at Kleinfeld.
Wedding ResourcesYielding to clients' demands, Pnina Tornai, an Israeli-born designer, specializes in patently vixenish gowns. Only a couple of years ago Ms. Tornai's dresses — often cut from semi-sheer panels of lace — met with a chilly reception in New York. "When I first came to show my collection at Kleinfeld, I was thrown out the door," she said. Undaunted, she modified her dresses and several months later returned. Today her gowns are among the store's best sellers.
For brides who want to maintain the traditional modesty during the wedding ceremony but cut loose at the reception, there is the increasingly popular option of topping the dress with a shawl, stole or bolero. When Jana Pasquel, a New York society figure and jewelry designer, said her vows in a convent in Mexico City last November, she wore bouffant dress by Vera Wang; effusively romantic, it was traditional except for the neckline, which revealed more than Ms. Pasquel cared to show. Her father, who is Mexican, "is a traditional Catholic," said Ms. Pasquel, 31. "He would not have liked me to walk down the aisle like that, so I had the designer make a cover-up, a kind of a bolero, very full and infanta-looking. It came all the way up to my neck." At a second marriage ceremony later that week on a beach in Acapulco, Ms. Pasquel thought only of pleasing herself. Inspired by a trip to India, she wore a tiny midriff-baring bodice and an abundant skirt made of gold leaf. More sensuous than brazen, it made an impression, she recalled. "People talked about it — a lot."
Catherine Cuddy, an insurance analyst in New Jersey, was similarly focused on turning heads when she married in Bryant Park in New York last October. She dispensed with the customary long, fitted sleeves and train in favor of a halter style that dipped to the small of her back.
Even a veil was too much for her. "I didn't want to cover up my dress," said Ms. Cuddy, 33, a self-described Rita Hayworth type. Or the torrents of curls that rushed past her shoulders. Or, for that matter, her gym-toned back. To get in shape for her gown, a white lace sheath that appeared to have been turned on a lathe, she stepped up visits with her trainer from one to three sessions a week. Ms. Cuddy had no thought of defying tradition or making a statement of any kind. She simply wanted to make the most of her curves, she said.
When she marries in Long Island City next fall, Ms. DaSilva, too, will dress as she sees fit — and with her mother's blessing. "My mom loves my gown," she said delightedly. "She thinks it's very figure-flattering." "Oh, no, no, no," Ms. DaSilva said. "Besides, in my family, we're mostly women. It's pretty much — we're in control."
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NCTimes.com, August 25, 2007
The Bride's Dress Size is Just a Number -- but not the number she's used to
By: Samantha Critchell - Associated Press
The tears streaming down a bride's face the first time she puts on her wedding gown should be tears of joy. Thanks to the quirky sizing system used by many bridal designers, however, she might be crying over the blow to her self-esteem.
"If you think you're a size 6, you're at least an 8 and probably a 10," says Jeff Moore, senior vice president of merchandising and product development at retailer David's Bridal.
Gown designers and salons stress that size is just a number, nothing to worry about, but in the next breath they'll often advise buying a few sizes bigger than the bride is used to for jeans, skirts or cocktail dresses.
Bridal sizing goes back to a scale established during World War II that used data intended for making uniforms, Moore explains. The scale also was used for ready-to-wear clothes, but over time, sportswear adapted its sizes to reflect changing body shapes, while bridal, for the most part, didn't.
In addition, many bridal salons are small, independent shops that don't keep stock of all sizes. A woman who is a size 2 may try on the same actual dress as a woman who is a 12. A salesperson will fasten the smaller woman's gown with what are essentially jumbo paper clips, and use stretchy strips of elastic across the back of a larger woman.
Once the bride decides on the style of her gown, the salon orders the dress according to her measurements ---- and that's another sticking point.
The order is based on the woman's largest measurement: bust, hips or waist. If her hips and waist are an 8 but her bust a 10, she gets the 10; if her bust and waist are 12 but her hips 14, she gets the 14.
Why? In alterations, it's much harder to make a gown bigger than it is to make it smaller.
Designers have a couture mind-set on bridal gowns: They will be fitted to the individual bride's shape through alterations, explains Amsale Aberra, creative director for the high-end Amsale, Kenneth Pool and Christos lines. The size of the original gown is just a starting-off point.
But, she acknowledges, the bride probably isn't thinking that far ahead ---- and the number on the tag can be a roadblock. It can "affect your confidence level. A wedding is when a bride wants to be her thinnest," Aberra says.
Moore agrees: "This has led to a lot of emotional trauma ---- it's not what most retailers and manufacturers are going for." His company, for one, has abandoned both the old size scale and the practice of having one sample dress for all to try on.
Part of the change was to make the process a little less confusing to brides, Moore says. David's Bridal surveyed thousands of them and found that the old sizing guidelines simply didn't resemble America's brides today. Not only have the numbers changed, but so have proportions and body types.
A handful of other gown-makers also have gone to a "true-size system," says Kathleen Murray, deputy editor of TheKnot.com, but she doesn't expect the entire industry to switch over.
"You just have to get over the size thing. You can't look at that number," she says.
"Most of the time, the tailoring and alterations is what makes the dress gorgeous."
Brides expect that their gown will need to be altered, and many even figure in a line item for alterations when planning their budget, Murray says. (TheKnot.com recommends $500.)
The bigger shock can come to bridesmaids, she says, who also are often subject to the unfamiliar sizing system. They probably didn't think when they signed on for the job about the extra $100-$200 it will cost to have the dress fitted. Murray advises brides to encourage off-the-rack bridesmaids' dresses, even if they're not designated "bridesmaids' dresses."
"You want the girls to be happy in what they're wearing," she says.
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The New York Times, January 25, 2008 [Posted January 27, 2008]
Bridezillas on a Diet |
Forget the flowers, reception hall and wedding dress. For many brides-to-be, losing weight is the most important part of the wedding plan.
The dress can be altered to fit, but is extreme dieting a healthy strategy? (Stephanie Keith for The New York Times)More than 70 percent of brides-to-be want to lose weight before their wedding day, according to a new study from Cornell University. To reach the perfect wedding-day weight, more than one-third of them use extreme dieting tactics such as diet pills and fasting. And while most of us buy clothes that fit, about one in seven brides-to-be buys a bridal gown that is one or more dress sizes smaller than she normally wears.
"Most women engaged to be married idealize a wedding weight much lighter than their current weight," said co-author Lori Neighbors, assistant professor of nutrition at the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee. She conducted the study while a graduate student at Cornell’s College of Human Ecology.
The study, published online from a forthcoming issue of the journal Appetite, surveyed 272 engaged women. The women surveyed ranged in age from 18 to 51, although the vast majority were under the age of 30. More than half of the women were normal weight, but 24 percent were overweight and 20 percent were obese, based on standard body mass index measures. Just 2 percent fell into the underweight category.
Dr. Neighbors found that 91 percent of the women were worried about their weight, reporting that they wanted to lose weight or were actively trying to prevent weight gain. By comparison, national data show that about 62 percent of similarly aged women have the same concerns.
Among the 70 percent of women who were trying to lose weight, the average desired loss was about 21 pounds, not counting three women in the group who were trying to lose more than 100 pounds each.
One surprising finding was that more than 90 percent of brides who wanted to lose weight said they were drinking more water. Extra water consumption was also common among the women trying to maintain their weight. The study authors note that some wedding Web sites promote water as an appetite suppressant, although it wasn’t clear if the brides were drinking water to feel full, avoid eating other foods or displace higher calorie beverages.
Nearly half the brides-to-be were willing to adopt extreme dieting strategies to reach their goal weight by their wedding day. Among extreme dieters, skipping meals and taking unprescribed diet pills and supplements were reported most frequently. About 10 percent of the women used liquid diets, while a fraction of the women started smoking, took laxatives or induced vomiting in order to lose weight.
The prevalence of extreme dieting behavior among brides-to-be is important because rapid weight loss usually isn’t maintained. But the study authors note that because brides-to-be are highly motivated to lose weight, doctors should use an upcoming wedding as an opportunity to discuss more healthful weight loss and eating behaviors.
At the time of the study, the women were still about six months or more away from their big day. But the average weight loss achieved was already about eight pounds, although the numbers varied widely.
“If these losses were maintained after marriage, they would be significant weight management achievements,'’ the authors noted. “Given the pressures of the wedding and beginning a new life as a couple, engaged women should be encouraged to adopt and maintain a healthy lifestyle rather than striving for a fleeting number on a scale or a temporary dress size."
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Wall Street Journal, August 24, 2007 [Posted 12-23-07]
Weddings Are Not The Budget Drains Some Surveys Suggest
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Tying the knot costs, on average, nearly $30,000 in the U.S. Three major surveys say so, and a spate of news articles this summer and in prior wedding seasons parrot that figure.
But the typical American wedding appears to cost half that, or even less. The surveys reach couples who are likely to have more-expensive weddings than average. Furthermore, the reported numbers are bigger because of how the surveys define "average."
The so-called average cost -- between $27,400 and $28,800, according to the latest iteration of these surveys -- is a mean. That's the kind of average you might remember from grade-school math: In this case, it's the sum of all the survey responses, divided by the number of people surveyed. The mean is especially susceptible to a single lavish exception: One $1 million wedding put into the mix with 54 weddings costing $10,000 each would boost the mean to $28,000, although among the 55 couples, $10,000 would seem a much better representation of the typical cost.
For the three surveys, the median wedding cost is closer to $15,000. The median is the middle figure when you line up a set of numbers in order of size. It is a popular choice for social statistics because it is unperturbed by very small or very large numbers.
The average wedding last year cost $27,400, according to The Knot Inc.'s email survey in January of 2,014 members of its wedding site, theknot.com, who got married last year. But that group isn't representative of all couples.
Roughly 2.2 million weddings took place last year, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Fewer than 40% of them were members of The Knot, which allows couples to create gift registries and post event information, and to access information on services. And just 40% of members opted to receive email. One-third of those received the wedding survey, and fewer than 2% of those filled it out (a low rate for The Knot, which typically receives 4% to 6% response rates, said a spokeswoman).
The Knot takes steps to ensure that its respondents are representative in terms of geography and household income. But research manager Kristyn Clement acknowledges that The Knot's members may not be typical spenders. "Our market is brides who are planning an actual wedding and putting resources toward that event," Ms. Clement says. "Are there brides who are not spending money on their weddings? Potentially."
Shane McMurray draws survey respondents for his Wedding Report from customers of his Tuscson-based wedding-invitation business, visitors to his costofwedding.com site and other sources. "Is it the best representation" of all couples? Mr. McMurray asks. "Maybe not."
The mean of the latest 1,519 survey responses he has fielded is $28,800, but the median is half that. That's very close to the median figure for The Knot's latest survey: $15,100.
Condé Nast Bridal Media, publisher of the magazines Modern Bride, Elegant Bride and Brides, reports a mean cost of $27,852 from its latest online survey of subscribers and online readers of its magazines, conducted in November 2005. The median cost was $14,182.
Rebecca Mead, staff writer at Condé Nast's New Yorker magazine, writes in her new book, "One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding," that the survey covered only brides who had made themselves known to the Bridal Group and thereby "already demonstrated an interest in having the kind of wedding that bridal magazines promote."
The surveys have led to other numerical flaws. For instance, Condé Nast's news release about its latest survey trumpeted that the average cost of weddings had nearly doubled, from $15,208, since 1990. That figure was repeated in several news articles. But the 2006 cost of weddings was just $18,057 in 1990 dollars, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics' inflation calculator -- an increase of just 19%, not 100%, in 16 years, or an annual growth rate of under 1.1%.
These cost numbers may help perpetuate themselves, by creating a sense of inevitability for anxious brides and grooms planning their nuptials. "It can confuse and mislead the brides," says Richard Markel, executive director of the Association for Wedding Professionals International.
Ms. Mead, whose own wedding cost was "substantially below" the widely reported numbers, says in an interview that couples who hear the numbers may think, "There's no way around it; there's no alternative. That means, from the perspective of the wedding industry, you have this group of consumers who are resigned to spending a huge amount of money."
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Fort Worth Star-Telegram, from the Seattle Times Company October 7, 2007
Wedding-Bill Blues by Erin White
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The sunny 27-year-old from Arlington, Texas, is the kind of friend who, on top of organizing bridesmaids' gifts, picks up knickknacks for the new couple's home and tells her soon-to-be-married gal pals to "just let me take care of the details."
Yet even Colley, a self-professed wedding lover, has become so exasperated with the over-the-top demands on the female members of the wedding party that she nearly split with one newly married friend after the wedding.
"We didn't talk for almost six months," she admits.
For the wedding in question, the bride had expected Colley to not only buy a dress, pay for alterations, pick up new shoes and jewelry, but to attend not one, but 10 showers. Oh, and the bachelorette party? A trip to New York City, paid for by the bridesmaids.
"I didn't really get mad about it at the time," Colley says. "It wasn't until after, when I started adding up all the receipts, and it was like, 'Whoa! I spent like $1,300!' "
Shelling out so much time and cash can make even the most devoted amiga wonder: Are brides pushing their bridesmaids too far?
"I think, certainly, a lot of them do," says Elise Mac Adam, an etiquette-advice columnist for IndieBride.com.
Adding up the extras
The average cost of a wedding is $26,000, an increase of 73 percent in the past 15 years, according to Fairchild Bridal Group. Bridesmaids can expect to spend $1,000 to $1,400 to be in a wedding, experts say.
"It's not the dress that's gotten more expensive," says Theresa DiMasi, editor of Brides.com. More events — extra showers, brunches and spa days — add up quickly. The trend of the bachelorette weekend — an entire weekend of activities or, more commonly, a trip to Las Vegas or some other hot spot — ratchets up the cost.
Plus, as young people have spread out across the nation (and the world), wedding-party members have had to pony up more for travel expenses. And the mention of a "destination wedding" — on the beach in the Caribbean or in a vineyard in France — will cause any potential attendant to conjure visions of massive credit-card debt.
Shelley Dodd, a 27-year-old who has been a bridesmaid six times, was in her college roommate's wedding. She says she spent about $800 on the wedding and still got off comparatively lightly because of the short distance she had to travel for the party and wedding.
"You don't mind it, because it's one of your very best friends or your sister, but the cost is definitely something you've got to be aware of," she says.
Etiquette experts, by the way, say that all of Dodd's expenses, save the multiple shower gifts, are perfectly reasonable requests on the part of the bride.
Obsession with the blowout wedding
April Ragsdale, a certified wedding consultant, says she's seen the time commitment for bridesmaids increase considerably in the past few years.
"It's not the bridesmaid's job to help you address invitations or make the favors," she says, though many a bride magazine suggests often that brides "delegate" such tasks to friends and bridesmaids.
She blames the Western culture's increasing obsession with the "blowout" wedding.
Mac Adam says that she frequently comes across articles that encourage brides to add "traditional" tidbits such as brunches or extra showers to their wedding events — which aren't traditional at all.
"They call it 'traditional-esque,' " she says. The bachelorette weekend, she says, evolved from the idea of a simple luncheon, and today's $300 bridesmaid dresses started as simpler frocks made by family or purchased at a discount rate from a friendly retailer.
These increased demands leave many young women with an uncomfortable dilemma: Disappoint a friend by turning down her request to be a bridesmaid or empty out the bank account for someone else's special day.
"A lot of [brides] come with unrealistic expectations. Anyone who thinks that it is a sign of an insubstantial friendship that someone says 'I can't afford something' or 'That interferes with my commitment to my career' is asking too much," says Mac Adam.
Recently, Brides.com's DiMasi says, an acquaintance pulled her aside at a cocktail party and asked for advice: She had agreed to be maid of honor for a woman she'd known since early childhood but was balking at participating as the expenses mounted. Tickets for the cruise-ship wedding alone would be $2,500, and because she didn't want to go alone, the maid of honor was considering inviting — and paying for — a guest. She also wondered if she should host a bachelorette party.
"And she works on her own, so she was looking at taking a few weeks off work when she wouldn't get paid," DiMasi says.
A bride asking for that sort of extravagance, without having an honest conversation with her bridal party about their ability to pay, is, frankly, inconsiderate and irresponsible, DiMasi says. She says she encouraged the woman to first weigh the importance of the friendship and then talk frankly with the bride to see if they could come up with a way to ease her financial burden.
How to say no and still be nice
Both Colley and Ragsdale stress that saying no — whether to the entire idea of being a bridesmaid or to one particular demand — needs to be handled gently and tactfully.
"If this person has asked you to be in their wedding, they obviously think of you as a close friend, and you don't want to hurt their feelings," Colley says. She once felt obligated to decline an invitation because she thought the soon-to-be-groom treated her friend badly.
Instead of saying, "I think you're marrying a jerk," she just said, "I really can't afford it." Then she offered to pinch-hit where she could, a strategy Ragsdale recommends for any girl who wants to shimmy out of the wedding party. Offer to throw a shower, to put together favors or to help on the wedding day, Ragsdale says.
Colley says that her experiences have taught her that the bride might be cooler than you're giving her credit for being.
"Sometimes, it's the bridesmaids saying, 'Oh, my gosh, we have to do this. She wants us to do this' when, really, the bride doesn't care," Colley says.
And although brides do have a responsibility to not mistake their friends for paid staff, Colley says the bridesmaids will have much more fun if they remember that they need to support their friend, the bride — even if she is being a jerk at the moment.
"She might be acting crazy right now, but she'll get over it," Colley says. "The thing to remember is that your friend is under a lot of stress. Her whole life is about to change. It's not her job to hold your hand. It's your job to hold hers."
Within reason, of course.
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W Bridal Flash, W Magazine, September 2007 by Jamie Rosen
Wedding Blues
"One of the best fashion marriages is that of wedding white and something blue. But there's no reason to settle for a cheesy beribboned garter when you can upgrade to a gorgeous azure bauble. Mimi So's stunning cocktail ring, featuring a hefty 15-carat marquise-cut aquamarine surrounded by pave diamonds, will add dazzle to any wedding ensemble. And for brides who like to double up on tradition, some items work for "something old" as well as blue. Cartier's cuff in platinum, pool blue aquamarines and diamonds dates to the Art Deco era, while Fred Leighton offers an 18-karat yellow gold and platinum compact, circa 1920, with moonstones, lapis lazuli and diamonds-just the thing for essential touch-ups at the reception. |
The Wall Street Journal, June 14, 2007
"Brides-to-Be Call the Shots In Ring Style"
"Once upon a time, when a man proposed, he gave a woman a shiny, solitaire-diamond engagement ring.
It was the standard. It's probably what her friends had and she was eager to join the club.
Fast forward to 2007: It's now the norm for a woman to influence what her engagement ring will look like -- if not to pick it out herself, says Mary Moses Kinney, director of the Independent Jewelers Organization.
The result is bigger stones, nontraditional settings and some rings that forgo the diamond altogether. . . ."
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TheFabricofOurLives.com: May 22, 2007
"Cotton for Brides" & "Cotton on the Aisle"
"Cotton for Brides"
It may seem cliché, but June is still the most popular month for weddings; followed by August, September and October. Given the popularity of these warmer months, it is no wonder that cool, comfortable cotton bridal dresses have emerged as a trend.
Another trend buoying the use of cotton in wedding gowns is the "destination wedding," where the bride and groom --- over 500,000 a year --- invite guests to witness their union in an exotic locale. Often, the newlyweds stay at the destination for their honeymoon. The most popular honeymoon destinations are typically Las Vegas, Hawaii, the Caribbean and Jamaica. Again, warm regions where breatheable fabrics are a must---especially for a wedding day.
To lend a hand to any of our site visitors who might be planning or helping to plan a wedding, we have assembled a collection of cotton bridal gowns and wedding dress featuring cotton lace for your review. Now, we usually include prices, but the links on these pages will actually take you to sites where you can find a local retailer. Prices will vary region to region and because of any tailoring that must be done. And ladies, tailoring must be done. The wedding day is among the most important in a woman's life and it (and she) should be picture perfect.
One last word of advice: the average woman in the United States spends around $800.00 for a wedding dress. Some will spend more, or less, but that figure is a good average for putting together your own bridal budget.
"Cotton on the Aisle"
Cotton Wedding Dresses Range from Theatrical to Demure
The wedding day has a sense of pageantry that often borders on theatricality. And why not? It is perhaps the most special day in a woman's life. It is also among the most stressful. This Thai bride knows a secret that is spreading among many bridal designers and U.S. brides - cotton. As is traditional in Thailand, her dress is made from handwoven cotton and combines comfort with undeniable style.
Over the past five years or so, the popularity of denim and of destination weddings in warm climates has elevated cotton to the realm of bridal couture. This is evident in the most recent fashion shows in New York, Paris and London, where cotton figured prominently. It is an ideal fabric choice for a bride because it is versatile from a design point of view, and comfortable and breathable for a bride's peace of mind.
For weddings demure, daring or in a tropical destination, cotton is a versatile canvas to create a memorable occasion. From delicate Swiss dot on an empire waist, to a good ole fashion Wild West hitchin', cotton is truly a fabric for all occasions.
Collected below is an updated collection of bridal gowns from across the United States that demonstrate the range of very affordable bridal options in cotton.
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Daily Freeman: May 11, 2007
U.S. divorce rate falls to lowest level since 1970
NEW YORK (AP) - By the numbers, divorce just isn't what it used to be.
Despite the common notion that America remains plagued by a divorce epidemic, the national per capita divorce rate has declined steadily since its peak in 1981 and is now at its lowest level since 1970.
Yet Americans aren't necessarily making better choices about their long-term relationships. Even those who study marriage and work to make it more successful can't decide whether the trend is grounds for celebration or cynicism.
Some experts say relationships are as unstable as ever — and divorces are down primarily because more couples live together without marrying. Other researchers have documented what they call "the divorce divide," contending that divorce
rates are indeed falling substantively among college-educated couples but not among less-affluent, less-educated couples.
'Families with two earners with good jobs have seen an improvement in their standard of living, which leads to less tension at home and lower probability of divorce,' said Andrew Cherlin, a professor of public policy at Johns Hopkins University.
America's divorce rate began climbing in the late 1960s and skyrocketed during the '70s and early '80s, as virtually every state adopted no-fault divorce laws. The rate peaked at 5.3 divorces per 1,000 people in 1981.
But since then it's dropped by one-third, to 3.6. That's the lowest rate since 1970. What's fueling that decline?
According to 20 scholars, marriage-promotion experts and divorce lawyers consulted by The Associated Press, a combination of things.
The number of couples who live together without marrying has increased tenfold since 1960; the marriage rate has dropped by nearly 30 percent in past 25 years; and Americans are waiting about five years longer to marry than they did in 1970.
Adding such factors together, Patrick Fagan of the conservative Heritage Foundation sees a bad situation.
'Cohabitation is very fragile, and when unmarried parents split, for the child it might as well be a divorce,' Fagan said.
'Among those who are marrying there's increased stability, but overall the children of the nation are getting a rawer and rawer deal from their parents.'
Yahoo News: March 15, 2007
"US couples make beeline for 777 wedding date," by Jocelyne Zablit
WASHINGTON (AFP) - Thousands of starry-eyed couples across the United States will be tying the knot on July 7 this year, hoping the almost numerically perfect 7/7/07 combination will prove a perfect match.
Wedding planners, hotel operators and travel agencies are reporting record numbers of reservations and are struggling to meet the demand for that day, which also falls on a Saturday.
"We have over 31,000 weddings planned for that day when typically on a Saturday in July, the most popular month for weddings, we have about 12,000 weddings taking place," Kathleen Murray, deputy editor of the theknot.com, a wedding planning site, told AFP.
"This is the biggest day I've seen in recent years," she added.
Nicole Hendrickson, 24, of the eastern state of Massachusetts, said she decided to become a "7/7/07 bride" for the fun of it and in the hope that her future husband would never forget their wedding anniversary.
"I knew I wanted to get married on a Saturday and triple sevens are lucky so this is the perfect match," she said. "And it's definitely going to help him (her fiance) so he won't have any excuses to forget the date."
Las Vegas, the country's gambling mecca and one of the top destinations for weddings, is bracing for an onslaught of couples wanting to walk down the aisle on July 7, and wedding chapels across the city are planning to open extra hours that day to accommodate demand, officials said.
One of them, Graceland Wedding Chapel, is already solidly booked and will be open from 8:00 am to midnight with a ceremony taking place every 15 minutes.
"People gravitate toward any date like this that is memorable and of course, this being a gaming city, 777 has connotations of good luck," said Erika Pope of the Las Vegas Convention and Visitor Center. "I think people will be delighted to say they got married on 777 in Las Vegas."
Several hotel chains are offering special deals that weekend, including the Ritz-Carlton, which is promoting "Lucky 7's Packages" priced at 7,707 dollars or 777 dollars (5,830 or 587 euros).
"We are averaging two to six calls per week regarding potential weddings for July 7," said Marina Nicola, a spokeswoman for the Ritz-Carlton in Las Vegas.
She said two weddings were already booked for that day at the hotel.
JoAnn Gregoli, a New York wedding planner, said she had agreed to handle two weddings on the weekend of July 7 and had turned down several other requests.
"You hear from everyone in the business that the day is booked," Gregoli said. "It's just a matter of people being superstitious and it's a good luck number and an easy one to remember."
She said one of the two couples she is working with has decided to incorporate the date in just about every aspect of their wedding with seven people seated at each table, seven lottery tickets offered each guest for good luck, seven bridesmaids and groomsmen and seven red or white roses for each floral arrangement.
"Everything is going to be seven," Gregoli chuckled.
Leslie Lorenz, 24, a graphic designer from the southeastern state of Florida, said even though she and her fiance picked July 7 as their wedding date two years ago they were still having trouble finding a DJ and florist for the big day.
"We thought it would be kind of fun, but it's become more of a hassle than it's worth because a lot of the vendors are booked," she said.
Murray advised prospective spouses who still haven't booked their wedding venue for July 7 to remain open-minded as it is unlikely they will find any availability at this point.
"You shouldn't let the date ruin your day," she said. "Just go with another choice and try to find creative means to make it work."
Bride's Magazine: Bridal Trend Watch, 2007
"2007 Wedding Statistics for Lingerie, Attendant Gifts & Apparel"
Bridal Guide magazine's "Bridal Trend Watch" gives us some interesting statistics that should be fun for you to look over.
About Lingerie . . .
Ninety-seven percent of the survey takers said that they will purchase new lingerie to wear under their bridal gown. Three percent said they wouldn't be wearing anything.
Seventy-six percent indicated that they would shop for lingerie like what is available at Victoria's Secret. While 29% said they would choose styles like those in Frederick's of Hollywood.
Two percent said they would be buying their lingerie from the Gap.
About Jewelry . . .
Seventy-nine percent of brides plan to buy new jewelry for their wedding day and/or for their honeymoon. The average expenditure is anticipated to be $176 and come to a total of $304 million in sales.
Gifts for Attendants . . .
Most brides (96%) percent are planning to buy gifts for their attendants and most will buy jewelry (63%, silver jewelry or accessories, 31% jewelry boxes, 14% pearls, 13% gold jewelry).
On average, brides plan to spend $65 on each attendant. An average wedding party has eight attendants, which comes to a total expenditure of $520.
Destination-Weekend-Wedding Wear . . .
Eighty-three percent of brides will wear either a formal or semiformal gown.
Seventy-three percent of grooms will wear a tuxedo or suit.
Newletter of Congregation Agudath Israel, Kingston, NY, December, 2006
"The Jilted Bride, a Lesson" by Rabbi Shea Hecht
Kyle Paxman's wedding fell apart six weeks before it was supposed to take place. Awful things happen to many of us on different levels every single day. We all hope that when the time comes we can react the right way - the way we fantasize that we would - seeing the good in everything and turning a negative experience into something positive.
When Kyle heard the news that her fiance called their wedding off, she reacted just the way we all hope we would. She turned the negative into something very positive.
"The dress had arrived, the flowers were done, the menus were chosen," said Ms. Paxman, manager of two food and beverage outlets in Carlsbad, California. "One hundred and eighty guests had tickets from all over the country to come and make a weekend of my wedding." But rather than cancel the reception, Ms. Paxman turned it into a charity benefit. "I preferred to turn my awful situation into something positive and start the healing process."
Right after the bad news, her mother began canceling reservations and events, but the family was still on the hook for the reception costs, a block of rooms in a hotel and other expenses.
"We already spent the money, and I tried to think of ways to put 'things we bought to use," Mrs. Carbee said.
Ms. Paxman and her parents invited 125 women to enjoy cocktails and a four-course dinner, in hopes that they will write checks to two charities she chose.
"She's not only empowering herself, she's reaching out and helping empower others," said Bibiana Betancourt, a fund-raising executive who found this to be the most unusual story she had encountered.
Kyle Paxman said she did not know whether her former fiance, whom she declined to name, knew what she was doing. "It's going to be hard, of f course," she said about appearing before her guests. "But the end of my story now isn't so awful."
It is inspiring that a person can get through something so traumatic and If still remain strong. Kyle Paxman had every reason to gripe, complain about and denounce the one who wronged her, yet she refused to name the groom.
I learned an incredible lesson from the "Jilted Bride"- that one can make lemonade out of lemons. The charities that will benefit from the canceled wedding will be eternally grateful that Kyle Paxman decided to get up, brush herself off and move on - converting her bad experience
into good.
Sunday Freeman, December 3, 2006, Associated Press
"Wedding Moves to Hospital Cafeteria"
ALBANY — At one hospital in upstate New York, wedding bells were ringing Saturday.
After Ken Hanson, 63, of Tribes Hill, was run over by a dump truck and hospitalized Wednesday, it looked like he would miss his daughter's weekend wedding. But when administrators at Albany Medical Center learned of Hanson's dilemma, they arranged to have the wedding at the hospital chapel. When his hospital bed wouldn't fit through the chapel doors, the ceremony was moved to the cafeteria. "I may be wheeling him down the aisle," his daughter, Sherry Hanson, said Friday night. Sherry Hanson and Eric Gifford, both 25, were married before about 30 friends and family members. Flower girls sprinkled red and white rose petals on the cafeteria floor and a friend of the family played the piano, which had been wheeled in from the hospital chapel.
Ken Hanson wasn't strong enough to change out of his hospital gown, so family members laid his tuxedo shirt and vest on top of him. "He was groggy, but he was fighting to stay awake," said Nicole Pitaniello, a hospital spokeswoman.
The couple, who live in North Carolina, planned to "hold the wedding all over again" as originally planned in Johnstown, 38 miles away, after the ceremony at the hospital. "Accidents do happen. As long as he gets to be there for the ceremony, that's all that matters. We'll carry on and have a good time," Gifford said Friday night. The back of Hanson's left leg was lacerated when he tried to step onto the back of a dump truck and fell. Bones in his left foot were broken and he lost a considerable amount of blood in the accident, said Carl Rosati, a trauma surgeon who treated him. Hanson was expected to be released within a week.
New York Times, July 23, 2006
"To Avert a Fractured Fairy Tale, a Wedding Planner" By FRANCINE PARNES
LIZ SECCURO, a wedding planner, has organized many lavish weddings that cost in the high six figures. And she has arranged others for a tenth of those prices and has found that they can run more smoothly and, she said, exude more taste.
In fact, she observed, more money can mean more that can go morbidly awry. "We once had a bride who was so obsessed with butterflies that she wanted to release live butterflies at her reception," said Ms. Seccuro, creative director of Dolce Parties in Greenwich, Conn., and Manhattan. "When we freed them from their nets, they flew towards the massive light installations we had ordered, burned to a crisp and fell, in hundreds, to the dance floor."
She added: "Price of butterflies: $10,000. Dead butterflies in your guests' hair and cleavage: priceless."
Do you think that planning the dinner seating chart for fussy relatives and in-laws seems arduous? It's hardly the only bump on the road to saying "I do." The average American wedding now runs a hefty $27,852, almost double the $15,208 spent in 1990, according to a study by the Condé Nast Bridal Group. Some 36 percent of couples spend more than they had planned, and only 30 percent of brides' parents pay for the whole event, down 8 percentage points since 1999.
"I cannot think of a single wedding that I did that ever cost exactly what the client originally had in mind," said Colin Cowie, who describes himself as a "wedding designer and producer" and has orchestrated the weddings of Jerry Seinfeld, Kelsey Grammer and Lisa Kudrow. Couples become "merchandised and seduced," he said.
Mr. Cowie, the chief executive of Colin Cowie Lifestyle in New York, Los Angeles and Miami, added: "On the high end of spending, it's become a world of specializing: finding a great name chef to preside over the food, a celebrity entertainer, a destination wedding that requires guests to fly somewhere in the Caribbean."
If stars splurge, the masses follow. "In the past year or two," said Millie Martini Bratten, editor in chief of Brides magazine in New York, "we're seeing more couples include extravagant gestures such as blanketing an entire ballroom with flowers or staging a pre-wedding party with a theme, worthy of being photographed by a magazine. Celebrities always captivate attention. When Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston shot off fireworks, more people said, ‘Wow, I like that idea, I'll do that, too.' "
And just one wedding dress may not be enough. "Brides sometimes undergo as many as three or four dress changes," said Arthur F. Backal, chief executive of State of the Art Enterprises, an event planning company in Manhattan, with guests often moving "from room to room, with different themes, décors, menus and entertainment in each."
Overspending on weddings has "escalated out of control," said Marina Luri-Clark, whose company, A Hop Skip and a Jump, in West Hartford, Conn., plans destination events worldwide. "For the most part, my clients are reasonable and consider a destination wedding a way to celebrate over four or five days with their closest family and friends," she said. "But sometimes the parents want to impress their friends. So many people influence a bride that it's easy to lose track of spending."
"It becomes this enormous beast," she added. "Suddenly the simple beach wedding has become a five-day extravaganza with pastries flown in from Paris."
But ingenuity and imagination may suffice when dollars don't. Kathleen Schwark, 28, a bartender in Novato, Calif., and Kevin Steppler, 29, an auto mechanic in San Rafael, Calif., have set a $10,000 budget for their wedding in October. For her gown, Ms. Schwark waited until prom dresses went on sale and snapped up a white one for $115. She is springing for $20 worth of embellishments, some colored to match her bridesmaids' dresses.
The tables will have crossword puzzles and other word games instead of favors. "The questions and answers are about us: our middle names, number of bones Kevin has broken, city of engagement," she said. "No one guest will know all the answers; they'll just have to talk to each other."
Romance notwithstanding, getting the most from the high cost has become essential for many couples.
"A wedding is also a business transaction involving thousands of dollars — and an opportunity to bargain and save hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars," said Shirit Kronzon, a lecturer at the Wharton School of Business of the University of Pennsylvania who wrote "The Bargaining Bride" (New Page Books, 2005) with Andrew Ward, associate professor of psychology at Swarthmore College. "Most elements of the wedding are negotiable."
Ms. Kronzon added: "If you're buying a car for $20,000, you might not think twice about holding firm to your bottom line and also bargaining for extras like an extended warranty. But when it comes to a wedding, we're less aggressive."
You needn't be a pit bull to get a bargain, she said. "You don't have to think of it as a formal, tough, adversarial negotiation," she said. "You just have to frame it as asking a question: ‘What specials or promotions are you currently offering? Can you discount the gown or give me more photos for the same price?' "
One potential money trap is an expensive outdoor wedding — with no Plan B for bad weather.
Consider the bride who insisted that her cocktail reception be held on a tennis court carpeted "in pure snowy white," said Ms. Seccuro, the event planner, who had the area covered with a tent for $40,000. "I repeatedly warned her that white would be a disaster if it rained. Of course, it rained." With both carpet and reception spoiled by muddy footprints as guests entered the tent from their cars, they had to be shuffled into the dinner tent far earlier than planned, confounding the precise serving schedule.
But isn't hiring a wedding planner just one more assault on the budget?
Carley Roney, co-founder of TheKnot.com, which helps brides-to-be plan their weddings, says she doesn't think so. "You give them a budget, and their job is to make the wedding happen in that budget," she said. "By not overspending, they can save thousands of dollars."
Ms. Roney added: "There are so many overlooked expenses that people don't calculate as part of their budget." Consider tipping: 15 percent of a $20,000 catering bill means an additional $3,000. Or, she said, "if you're holding your wedding at a popular beach site, a difference of one weekend can bring you from high-season rates to off-season rates."
Some newlyweds concoct creative ways, whether tasteful or tacky, for guests to help with expenses.
Ms. Seccuro said she would never forget one couple who, when it was time to register for gifts, "actually sent blueprints of a house they were building upstate to all the wedding guests, inviting them to ‘buy' a door, a window, the kitchen floors, an appliance." They "wanted their guests to pay for their house," she said. "They remain to this date the only client I have fired."
AT least they kept their eye on the prize. "What I often witness is that brides get so fixated on the perfect rose or bridesmaid dresses that they almost forget why they are getting married and to whom," said Ms. Luri-Clark, the destination event planner.
"I organized and can attest to a total dog-and-pony show" for one wealthy bride a few years back, she said. "Everything had to be perfectly color-coordinated in cream and forest green, from the invitations to the flower children's outfits to the tablecloths; we spent a fortune just matching colors. Then the bride wanted a video of her and her husband growing up, produced and projected on an enormous screen in the garden of her historic villa. It could have been a Hollywood movie. The amount spent on catering, décor, lighting and more for their 750 guests was astronomical."
She added: "The couple is already divorced."
May 26, 2006
An increasing number of ready-to-wear designers are finding their way into the wedding gown
market. Most recently designers like Carolina Herrera, Badggley Mischka and Oscar de la Renta
have presented bridal lines. Only large design houses feel able to take on a bridal line, which
leaves the smaller houses to make the occasional gown for a special client. The best recognized
bridal gown designer is a title that is still held by Vera Wang, who "W Magazine" has dubbed
"the grand empress of ready-to-wear-meets-bridal."
February 5. 2006 . . . from the Daily Freeman, Associated Press
Washington -
They are the Pentagon's new "rules of engagement" — the diamond ring kind. U.S. Army chaplains are trying to teach troops how to pick the right spouse, through a program called "How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk."
The matchmaking advice comes as military family life is being stressed by two tough wars. Defense Department records show more than 56,000 in the Army — active, National Guard and Reserve — have divorced since the campaign in Afghanistan started in 2001.
Officials partly blame long and repeated deployments which started after the invasion of Iraq in 2003 and stretched the service thin. Many come back better people, others worse-off — but either way, very changed from who they were when they wed.
"Being in the military certainly raises the stakes when you choose a mate," said Lt. Col. Peter Frederich, head of family issues in the Pentagon's chaplain office. THE "NO JERKS" program is also called "P.I.C.K. a Partner," for Premarital Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge. It advises the marriage-bound to study a partner's F.A.C.E.S. — family background, attitudes, compatibility, experiences in previous relationships and skills they'd bring to the union. It teaches the lovestruck to pace themselves with a R.A.M. chart — the Relationship Attachment Model — which basically says don't let your sexual involvement exceed your level of commitment or level of knowledge about the other person.
Maj. John Kegley, a chaplain who teaches the program in Monterey, Calif., throws in the "no jerk salute" for fun. One hand at the heart, two-fingers at the brow mean use your heart and brain when choosing.
Though the acronyms and salute make it sound like something the Pentagon would come up with, the program was created by former minister John Van Epp of Ohio, who has a doctorate in psychology and a private counseling practice. He teaches it to Army chaplains, who in turn teach it to troops. It also is used by social service agencies, prisons, churches and other civilian groups. Commanders once discouraged troops from starting a family while serving. Thus the old saying: "If the Army wanted you to have a wife, it would have issued you one."
Today, the military supports families more than any other employer, Frederich said. The Bush administration proposes to spend $5.6 billion in the next budget year for quality-of-life services for troops and their families.
That includes help with child care, education, spouse job hunting, legal assistance, com-
missaries, relocation counseling — programs on every family issue imaginable — to promote stability, and thus troop readiness.
Such support notwithstanding, "not everybody is cut out" to marry into the military, said Army spokeswoman Martha Rudd. The Army hopes the "no jerks" program will help couples decide if they are ready for a long-term commitment and can cope with the unique stresses of military life.
"Settings like military bases are incubators," said Van Epp, of Medina, Ohio. They try to hatch ... relationships extremely fast," leading to higher divorce rates and more domestic violence.
January 31, 2005 . . . from TheWeddingReport.com
Couples Will Spend More Than $7.9 Billion Online for Their Weddings in 2006
Recent results from a wedding survey conducted by www.theweddingreport.com show that 77% of
couples will use the Internet to help plan their wedding. As related to their engagement,
wedding, honeymoon, and time after, 43% will use the Internet to research products and
services, while 13% will purchase products and services. These results are based on a sample
of 499 surveys.
"We estimated 2,271,910 weddings with an average wedding cost of $26,800 for 2006.
976,921 (43%) of those weddings will research products and services online while 295,348 (13%)
weddings will buy products and services online. We believe this makes the online wedding
market worth over $7.9 billion," said Shane McMurray.
Topping the research online list; Wedding Cake (60%), Wedding Dress (58%), and Bride Bouquet
(58%). While New or Used Car (25%), Financial Services (27%), and Insurance (29%) appeared at
the bottom of the research online list.
Topping the buy online list; Wedding Favors (32%), Attendant Gifts (31%), and Invitations &
Reply Cards (29%). While New or Used Car (3%), A Home (4%), Engagement Dinner (4%) appeared at
the bottom of the buy online list.
December, 2005 . . . from Fairchild Wedding Group's The American Wedding 2005"
The Echo Boomers Are Coming
The next large population group that will be coming into the wedding marketplace
are the 27ish-year-olds of Generation Y. The group is techically sophisticated,
well-educated and have large spending power. The Group consists of some 71 million
men and women born between the years 1979 and 2002, making Generation Y twice the size of
its predecessor, Generation X. That translates to an increase in the numbers of weddings.
December, 2005 . . . from Vows, The Bridal & Weddng Business Journal
Marriage Statistics from the US Census Bureau and
National Center for Health Statistics contain updates through June, 2005.
The ratio of marriages to divorces is 2 to 1
Marital Status for Females 15 and over (1950 - 2004) shows that the population of unmarried women will soon surpass the number of married women.
The number of Unmarried Couple Households (liveins) is increasing steadily.
From the WeddingReport.com
April 2005 weddings down 5.6% over April 2004.
The number of weddings was down 5.6% for April 2005 compared to April 2004. The total number
of weddings for April 2005 was 152,000 compared to 161,000 in April 2004.
Third quarter wedding cost were up by 2.3%
The estimated cost of a wedding for 3rd quarter ending 2005 was up by an average 2.3% over
2nd quarter 2005 from $25,200 to $25,770. This is a $1,070 or 4.2% increase in cost since
the first quarter.
November, 2005 . . . from The Wedding Channel
No Regrets
Brides would spend more on videography and photography if they could plan their wedding
over again!
These newlyweds have no regrets and 85% of the couples surveyed said
they would spend the same amount of money if they could do it all over again.
November, 2005 . . . from The Wedding Channel
Honeymoon Statistics
Couples spend about four thousand dommars on their honeymoons. Usually they pay for the honeymoon
on their own. The top ranking destinations are the Caribbean and Hawaii, because of their warm
climate. More than half of the couples surveyed indicated that their honeymoons lasted ten days
or less.
November, 2005 . . . from The Wedding Channel
Who Has the Money, Honey?
Where once it was thge bride's family that covered the cost of a wedding, today's bride and
her family pay for only 25% of the cost. Thirty-one percent of wedding csosts are covered
by both families and more than 26% are paid for by the bride and groom.
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Milwaukee, WI, May 3, 2005 . . . from PreWeb News Releases
Wedding Cancellation & Divorce
Utilizing data from pre-marital counseling, it is estimated that approximately 20% of couples
call off the wedding. That is almost 500,000 people per year. The cancellations are a result
of many factors, including fear of commitment, anxiety over a new role, doubts over the chosen
partner and other concerns. Statistics show that the larger the wedding, the more likely it
is to be canceled. Many couples spend more time planning the wedding than they do actually
talking about the marriage. Counselors suggest that with a divorce rate of over 50% for first
time marriages, couples should discuss, at least, the top three issues about which couples
fight: money, children and sex.
Monday, November 7, 2005 . . . from Bazaar Magazine . . .
Jewelry: What's Hot & What's Not
Jewelry styles are cyclical, so following what's trendy doesn't mean getting rid of jewelry, it means merely that some pieces need to be retired, for a while.
Sometimes what's hot simply means a new twist to an old look. Brooches, cyclically popular on lapels, today, are giving way to brooches worn in the air. Elizabeth Taylor, a collector of fine jewelry, wore one of her magnificent brooches, a butterfly, in her hair, to a recent not-for-profit opening.
Watches, one strictly a device for telling time, had a rebirth with inexpensive, funky styles that "spoke" young people. That style today, has giving way to a return to more classic styles, such as traditional, masculine, chunky men's watches.
"A ring on every finger" can belittle, especially pieces with diamonds or other fine stones. Instead, today's trend leans toward the selection of one amazing, show-off cocktail ring, leaving all the other fingers "bare."
Jewelry suites consisting of matching pieces on the hand, wrist and neck, have given way to allow lots of different pieces, with lots of different stones, all worn together.
Today's rule of thumb is "get it out of the safe-deposit box." Fine jewelry, once delegated to only special occasions, has "graduated" and today every piece of jewelry is appropriate at any time . . . so much more bang for your buck.
Chunky and chunky "punk" chains are out, while layering of dainty necklaces is in.
The minimalist look, as in tiny studs, is "what's not." Instead bold styles, particularly, gold drop earrings, are "hot."
Color, dazzle, mix and match, lots of colors, layering, new ways to wear "old" favorites are all what's hot today.
Thursday, October 13, 2005 . . .
A Census Bureau study found the following regarding marriage habits of men and women today:
Couples in the Northeast are marrying later than men and women elsewhere in the country Couples in Utah are marrying the younger than any other of the United States, with the median age for women being 21.9 and 23.9 for men.
Couples on the East and West coasts wait longer to get married than those in the MidWest.
Southerners are the least likely to live together, married.
The higher the level of education, the longer men and women tend to wait to get married.
The median age for first marriages in the United States is 26.7 years for men and 25.1 for women.
The age for couples marrying today is about a year older than it was a decade ago.
In every state, men wait longer to get married than women.
Men and women in Washington, D.C., wait longer on average than anywhere else in the country. Both wait until they are about thirty years old. |
